Using Old Methods to Find Love in The New Era
Today the word love has become a foreign word, well not more so a foreign word, but the meaning of it has been diluted. Most do not realize when they have encountered it or they confuse it with alternatives words that brings down the value of the word and makes people give up on thought of experiencing it first-hand. Me personally I have gone through this thought process, but my conclusion was a combination of who I was as a person and what I had observed in society. When I say observing me as a person, I know that at a certain point I was damaged and was not benefiting anyone I was trying get into a relationship with, sometimes I was damaging the person who I was encountering because of my own hurt. Then I observed society and realize, they are a lot of people who do not realize that they are damaged their self and are hurting themselves as well as hurting others.
The other missing element is, most do not look at a relationship as something they are building. When you are building, you make sure the foundation is strong. Too many people are just lonely and want to rush into the thought of being in a relationship. Once again something I have been guilty of, but the reason most relationships do not last is, because there was no strong foundation. Back in the days people use to court another individual and truly get to know someone inside or out. They were truly getting to know their soon to be best friend and better half. I have been in relationships, which I messed up, that the person could finish my sentence because they knew me so well. We could go to certain restaurants and the could order for me. Not saying people should not switch it up everything now and then, but to know the core of a person helps you understand if you truly love that person and you are not just falling in lust with that person. Now when you are buying a house or a building that is going to house your building and your employers, the first thing you want to do is study the foundation to make sure everything is built on steady and strong grounds. There is another aspect that helps make that possible too, I will touch on that later as well.
Let’s look at another aspect of what is hurting this generation though. At times, they are people who hold themselves to a higher standard to others and will never admit to their own faults. If anyone brings up their imperfections, they will lash out at them for even consider that they were not perfect and it was not the other person fault for anything conflicting in their life. This at times hinder them for ever experiencing the truth, one cannot truly heal if they cannot first attempt to understand their wounds, and discover methods to self-heal them. Not saying people should heal on their own, that is another mistake that I will address later, but the first step to overcoming something is identifying it and at least heal 75%. Most the time when a person able to identify the issue, they can resolve or find attempt to find different methods to resolve. The reason I state find different methods is because, we are all different and we all come from different backgrounds, so one-person healing method might not work for another. The main goal is to be open to healing oneself to improve your outcome.
Let me go back to the fear of loneliness and how most people do not try to overcome that source first. This also connects with the some people not owning up to their own flaws and rush into the next relationship is because the fear of loneliness. Sometimes some people luck up and ignore that step, and then they are times which it creates deeper scars. The reason I say that, they are times a person will enter a relationship with someone who recognize this fear and take advantage in a negative way, then they are those who will see this fear and assist in the healing process. you can say that loneliness and understanding the other person loneliness is a core that the couple understands and builds on, it is rare, but it can build a strong foundation between two people as well.
I want to break down the two scenarios. The one where a person recognize another individual does not want to be alone and might have low self-esteem. At times a person feels they have hit the jack pot, then can run over this person and they will never leave them. Sort of like the in a relationship but truly not in one. Let’s take this a step further, let’s say children start to get involved in a relationship like this, this is planting seeds to another generation of hurt at times. This is their first example of what a relationship is. At times there is verbal and physical abuse in these type of relationship, which makes the young mind think that this is what love is. I will try touch on that later about how the hurt of a childhood can also affect future thoughts of the idea of love. Let’s touch back on the verbal and physical abuse, at times one individual wants to feel in control, they will make the other individual feel they are not worth anything and that they are the only thing making their life valuable. There can also be cheating involved in these type of scenarios, which at times the person that is afraid of loneliness will soon create the idea that it is their fault they are being cheated on. Sometimes this thought process changes over time, but the scars are there, and do not properly heal. This makes it hard for the next person to try to love a person like this because walls are built that refuse to go down. I will touch on that later as well.
Now, I did mention there was another scenario, but it can also tie into the last scenario in the previous statement. At times a person will see another people who is scared and may have the fear of loneliness. Instead of taking advantage of that person, they work with that them to help see their worth, they refuse to enter the relationship full-blown till that person is truly happy with themselves and their current state. They understand entering this relationship while the person is vulnerable could damage the person even further. At times a person that has the fear of loneliness and low self-esteem might see this as rejection, that they are not good enough to be in a relationship with the person or meet their standards. They will either reject the other person healing methods and start building walls or they will accept the other person friendship. The ones that reject the methods at times may fall into a deep depression or start falling into the trend of sleeping around to find love.
Sometimes a person becomes a love chameleon, this is when a person fear of being alone has them adjusting their personality just to fit what the person they are interested in standards. I can honestly say I have done this before, just to learn my real personality is what the person was looking for. We all know that life is short, and you only get one shoot at times to That fear of loneliness at times corrupts a person judgement. The low self-esteem makes them feel that who they really are is not good enough. So they pretend to be something they are not. At times people do not think longevity, if they win over the person they have to continue the lie. How long can a person truly live a lie, and what does it truly do to them to abandon their true self. The cycle of damage continues and if the relationship doesn’t last, who does that person become in the end.
Lets talk about how this generation at times uses sex as love finder. They are a couple famous couples now that have used the method of waiting till marriage. This also can tie into the building a strong foundation that I mention earlier. I have seen a lot of people in this generation talk down to this method and how it is not realistic. Also have talked about how sex is too important in the relationship for them not to try before making a commitment like that. I am not going lie, I am not going talk down on people who said they cannot, because I have tried this method a couple of times and failed because that lust overcame. At the same time I have seen married couples who were able to build a solid foundation and have been married for 5 plus years after not having sex before marriage. So it makes me wonder, if so many people are having so many failed relationships, and they see good examples of waiting till marriage develop strong foundations. Why is it so hard to try, why would people want to continue the same methods that have failed them over and over. I personally have asked myself this question, I have asked why did a cave in when I knew how I wanted to build. I still truly do not have an answer for that, but it is something I am working on. Like I have bought the book “The Wait” by DeVon Franklin and Megan Good for others, but haven’t read it myself. Honestly feeling I already understood the aspect of the book and did not need to read it, and my will was strong enough. Yeah I have been losing that battle, but that is another story.
We all heard the saying, you cannot save everyone. Most people refuse to see their own flaws in life. Sometimes it is not that person fault. As I stated before, we all have our own story of how we ended up at this point in life. Things that have shaped our personality, sometimes it is just a lack of guidance. Nothing to assist with the molding of how we should pursue life’s direction. It could be the lack of a certain parent in the house hold, or just the type of parenting in that house hold. Most may also say the lack of higher beliefs as well. I was reading this book “Understanding Your Choices“ by Melissa Goodwin McMaster, it mentioned how people do not have to be a product of their environment. It has a lot of other good points, but I want to focus on that now. People do not have to be a product of their environment, but at times it is a hard mountain to climb and overcome some obstacles. At the end of the day, it is not impossible to overcome them in the end. Going back to the discovery of love, the absents of a father figure can do damage in many ways. With the girls I have dated in the past, I noticed the ones who had a fathered that had a good relationship with their daughters, you could still see a strong bond with their wife, which showed the kids a great example of what the head of household is supposed to act, were the ones I had a good relationship with. Even though the relationship did not last, they were, those are the ones where the girl treated me good and enter the relationship with the understanding of what love was and what they expected from the relationship wasn’t far-fetched. At times, some men are not ready to be in those type of relationship, which I was not at the time. That is another topic I might touch on as well. These are all things one must look at before judging, which brings me back to the when some will be patient with the damaged individual, understand their pain and help them heal.
Now you may not be a Christian, but when I am ready to give up my search on love, and just be like it is not for me. One bible verse helps me understand we are not supposed to walk this world alone. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 KJV which reads
9) Two are better than one; because they have good rewards for their labour.
10) For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
11) Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?
12) And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
This has been my favorite bible verse for a while, because it holds so much truth in it. They are so many people who just gives up on love and stay in denial that they are fine with it. I feel this also leaves people with leaving out a valuable puzzle piece to their bigger picture in life. Their life will not be complete, not saying everyone needs someone, but why would someone want to share their life experience with another. I have personally seen what it is like when a person finds the right one, how it becomes life changing and those two become one. Watching these couples grow together and better one another lives. I have seen these verses take life in human form and not just words on a page. Seeing someone heal another person and bringing meaning to their life. Love is a great thing, and it is sad when I see someone gives up on the idea of finding someone because the path they took was bumpy, and they developed unseen scars from driving in a vehicle they thought was indestructible because of how it was advertised.
People have to realize the way love is being advertised now a day is as a rushed project. When the foundation is not strong, the walls people build to keep that love safe are not secure. The structure of what people are trying to build can crumble and crush everything inside of it. Not saying the old ways are perfect, but from my personal experience of witnessing successful relationships and failed. The old ways have built stronger houses than the fast pace. Me personally, I have struggled with this concept. I have had many outer body experience where I am telling myself to slow down and let it develop, and I have watched an unstable foundation crumble because of rushing the process. So how many can actually identify their fault in failed relationships and make changes?